that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Only a mothe r could love this liver
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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