does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Randomize
