He asked to "fluff my boner.."
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
