I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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