I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
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