ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Randomize
