did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Randomize
