we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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