____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
