Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
