last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
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