dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
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