I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
