we're chasing vodka with high fives
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
