I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
