I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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