I accidentally burped into my bong.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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