If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
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