Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
