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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
