Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
The air was thick with penises
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
