Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
