I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize