either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
How does it feel to date your dad?
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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