How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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