We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
