DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
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