If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
