idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
