New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
