we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
