On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
