I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
