i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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