so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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