Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
