Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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