I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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