i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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