he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Randomize
