What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
