I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
The beer is more important than you right now.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
we should paint friendship bongs
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
