I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
