She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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