Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
