He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Randomize