When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
