alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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