If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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