This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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