sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
