It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Randomize
