Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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