went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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