Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Someone shattered a urinal.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Randomize
