I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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